meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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