Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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