Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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