Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
