My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
