On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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