Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
