You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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