i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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