Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
