Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
