that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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