I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
