There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
