i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
