cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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