he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I looked at my own cervix.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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