i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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