Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
