I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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