for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
