I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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