I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
