guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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