just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
