I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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