woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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