Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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