have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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