when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
