His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize