I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
