Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
