At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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