Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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