K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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