Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize