I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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