You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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