when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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