He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
