that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
