I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize