Your face is a jimmy john
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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