My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Randomize
