I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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