So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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