He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
