He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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