I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize