I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize