All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
worst night to have a conscience
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
