Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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