my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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