Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
