he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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