I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
