i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
