Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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