he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
