people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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