She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
